Just a thought... and a statement.

Some people don’t deserve our empathy. 

I’ve grown tired of people that do nothing but suck off all of my happiness I’m always ready to give away (it’s my fault, not theirs because they never asked for it in the first place. Yeah, I know. Yet, I’m the only one who ends up getting hurt).

It’s extremely exhausting to always be so caring and thoughtful, to always want to give without expecting anything in return, to discover you’ve been giving it to the wrong person, those undeserving, unkind that can’t be bothered people. 

They have what they lack in gratitude full of selfishness.

They’re so used to taking everything and everyone for granted, since they’ve always been handed every single thing in life.

I’m tired of being nothing but a stupid, useless and probably, definitely replaceable piece in their game of chess or whatever it is they’re playing because it surely is a game where they just sit and get to control everyone that comes into their lives for their own advantage, never taking into consideration anyone’s interests.

Why do we let people like that keep living that way, hurting and using everyone that unfortunately happens to cross their path. Moreover, how do we disable or discourage their behavior?

We empaths and fixers feel the need to speak our minds out loud because we see there’s something that’s rotten and it’s damaging their surroundings; everything it touches. I feel like it’s within me to do something about it and stop it somehow. I can’t let this type of people do and undo as they will, never thinking about the repercussions just to play the victim after. It’s all a game of manipulation that repeats itself over and over; specially since it’s so easy to take advantage of nice and kind people, whose only mistake is having a heart that’s soft enough to feel for them and offer them a hand, not knowing we are the ones who are about to be broken.

It’s very distressing to be a spectator with no power to appease the unavoidable and oh, so anticipated, explosion happening before our eyes; or even worse, being both, that and also a player in the game (in their game).

To be aware of being used, continuing to lie to yourself that you’re doing it fully conscious of what you are getting yourself into, believing you could be the one who causes a positive impact in them; only to realize in a near future you’re just someone else who tried but couldn’t solve one thing, with so many questions left unanswered; someone else that crossed their paths and was left with no other option than to walk right past it, never being able to look back, not for their but for your own good. 

The toxicity this kind of person is surrounded by is not worth your empathy, your love, your mind or even one more second of your life. Stop wasting it away because they’ll forever feed themselves off of your solidarity and kindness if you keep allowing them to. 

A Realization (A Poem)

No one can love the same way I know I can love.
I may seem to be though,
But I can’t ever get enough.
A smile, a hug,
Won’t let the innocent in me be fooled by those.
Just leave me alone,
I didn’t come to play, I don’t want to be taken advantage of.

They don’t understand.
For them it’s a game.
They smile, laugh, cough, go and drink one more,
That all there’s left for me to do is pretend,
If not, I will never get to see what’s in the end.
They could see through my lies,
Or not really since they don’t even bother looking me in the eyes.

I hide behind this shield, the shield I made so I could not feel.
Regardless, it is real.
To be failed to is one of my deepest fears.
This poor girl inside, has a heart of gold, she wouldn’t think twice,
Before giving all her love and trust away.
She’s naturally nice, she’d sacrifice anything and everything she has for you to stay.

I don’t want to be your friend,
So you can cause me pain.
I am certainly aware it’s mental, it’s all in my brain.
You can promise me the world,
Buy me the shiniest pearls,
But even if you had told her,
How much we’re both going to suffer,
I couldn’t take it, even if it makes me tougher.

I keep myself secluded,
I locked this side inside of me so I would never be eluded.
I’d hate for them to say forever then proceed to never come back, and unpack every single thing they were holding back.
A stab, right through my heart.
Being apart is something I never saw coming.
Forget me or not.
But please don’t because if you did,
I would quit every single battle I ever fought.
Like it or not.
But please do because if you didn’t,
I don’t know what I would do, just tell me you didn’t mean it.
Sorry, can’t help aiming for perfection.
Rejection is something I never needed.

So is it as bad as it sounds,
Or is it even worse?
Guide me, tell me how life works.
I’m confused, all hope is lost.
Should I take classes to get better at improv?
I don’t want to play, I don’t want to be taken advantage of.
It wasn't, isn't, won't be good enough.
Truth is no one can love me the same way I know I can love.

Blog Entry #5

So I noticed it's been a while since I last wrote an entry. I am aware I don't have any followers or anyone who's actually interested and is keeping an eye out for when I post; however if someone ever happens to get across this blog for some reason, I feel like I owe you an explanation for going away and coming back unannounced after a long period of time (but also for this to serve as a warning when it happens the next time).

First things first, I usually feel the urge to write when I am at a low point in my life, which is when we usually submerge ourselves deep into our thoughts in order to reflect on what's going on, analyze the problem and come out with a possible solution (or just move on if you aren't able to come up with a plan for some reason).

Even though those lows happen pretty often to me, only one had the power to get into my head, which led me into wanting to reorganize my life for the millionth time.
At any point I feel like changing the order of things in life with the intent to help my poor soul that is clearly crying out for help (and chooses to remain silent still) I get the impulse to write; which we've established it's one of my main ways of coping with what affects me both, negatively and positively.
But all of this was just beside the point, (plus, accidentally, one hell of an introduction); let's pick up on the main subject, which is that one time I started writing that I came up with some raw thoughts, thoughts that came to an abrupt end because I did it during a one hour train ride on my way back home.

I reevaluated myself, I embarked into this mental trip I've been easily getting lost lately trying to figure out who I am as a person, trying to describe every characteristic I've perceived about myself so far that I can think of.

All my life I’ve wondered about the origin of everything. I’ve been observing and obsessing myself over why things are the way they are and why people act the way they do depending on the situation. I’ve been collecting every detail I’ve had either the pleasure or disgrace to witness, just so I can spare myself the pain of making the same mistakes and avoid learning the hard way; all that in a weak attempt of preventing getting hurt. I don’t recall ever having a moment when I wasn’t making mindful annotations here and there on different things I was or wasn’t supposed to do. While I could even picture some of you slightly relating to this way of living, I can with certainty assure you it is most likely like nothing you’ve ever experienced (or maybe you have, but it’s never as intense as when it becomes part of you, everyday.)

Over time I’ve come to realize this is most definitely more of a curse than a blessing.

A lot of time has passed ever since I noticed something was wrong with me. On one hand, I’d like to think there is no such thing as wrong or right in this world because it’s known we’re are all different since we come from different backgrounds, have different priorities and or own personal opinions on a great diversity of subjects. Yet how am I supposed to categorize the way I feel and act as if I seem to be the only one who’s moving in my direction. This induces me to question the need of putting everything under a category, the obligation we have to associate everything with their respective name, that we constantly find ourselves making this boxes in our minds where we put in everything we come across, solely to feel okay.

In reality there is no actual right or wrong. We live as we can, we go at our own pace through our own unique paths. We figure it out along the way, yet it's still sad that sometimes we feel pressured into doing things we wouldn't ever had chosen for ourselves if we weren't influenced by society and other people's opinions as much as we are today.

We need to give ourselves a break and let us know in those times when it's all too much to process, we feel an incredible amount of weight over our shoulders, we start to lose focus, motivation vanishes little by little, we're stuck on repeat tripping over the same old stone, we look around and, on top of that, we notice how everyone else manages to find a way to balance it all out perfectly, adding more into the mess our minds already are; that even though it may feel like it's a competition sometimes, it's not. Each one of us has their own recipe for life, no one else will know the exact measurements to your bake good; they can help by telling you the main ingredients but the one who's eating it after all is you. Know it's within you to find the flavors and components you wish to add to make it sweeter and softer. You choose the time, effort and dedication you put in, the outcome is completely subjective and relies entirely on how good you want it to be, just don't forget to let it sit for a few minutes when it needs it the most.

Blog Entry #4

It's funny when we catch ourselves in the middle of a situation, doing exactly the opposite of what we thought we wanted. We have all been there, longing for something for days, obsessing over something we believe will give us what we're missing. Both, desperation and anxiety come into play; we become fixated on the idea of getting this thing we've been convincing ourselves we need. Yet when we finally seem to be this close to get it, we back off.

It's uncertain why we do what we do, if we start wrapping our heads around it we will be left with two questions: What happened? What changed?

I've got to say it is most certainly a weird emotion because it only leads you to doubt yourself. We might end up feeling lost, since for a split second we seem to lose control over ourselves and (personally, I think) there's nothing more terrifying than not recognizing ourselves anymore. As a result we become suspicious of our own identity; we adapt, it's just our job to assimilate change and get the hang of it.

I guess it's all part of the process of getting to know ourselves, finding out who we really are, getting in touch with all sides that make us, us and connect with our inner most true selves as we go through changes and overcome different obstacles we find in our way to fulfillment.

Blog Entry #3

Sometimes we start questioning ourselves, society or life in general but that doesn't mean we have to find the answers right away; it's best to leave some of our ideas alone every once in a while, so we don't have to put up with ourselves going over and over the same questions without even finding a broad answer that actually meets our expectations and leaves us completely satisfied.

The problem with questioning oneself about the world is that the more and more questions you make, (contrary to what one expects) the more confused you get because of the uncertainty of everything. The truth is no one really has the answers, the majority might be backed up by science yet there's a lot more of what we don't know than what we actually know, so once a question emerges in our heads regarding life itself, the number of queries begins to increase whereby nothing really makes sense anymore, fogging up our minds.
Frankly, from my point of view, every little thing that surrounds us is a construct, we just choose to take it as true because we are taught to accept most things as they are without even doubting its provenance. As soon as you begin second guessing the origin of everything, the rest pretty much becomes irrelevant; you start losing yourself in incertitude, consequently facts stop adding up in your brain and you end up drowning yourself in your own pool of thoughts.

A lot of us spend a considerable portion of our lifetime pursuing happiness. Trying to find our purpose in this world is one of our biggest concerns.

-What am I doing here in this overpopulated world? 

This question has crossed each of our minds at least one time in our lives, never truly leaving until we decide to hold onto something that moves us. "They" tell us we all have a mission on earth, that we were not born for nothing, that it's our job to find what we were "sent" to do and build a life around it, that once we find it, we'll get this feeling of wholeness and everything will be at peace.

But... there's this thought that has been sitting with me in the back of my head (for a little too long now) that I'd hate to admit to anyone because I can only imagine what their face expression would be as soon as they hear the words coming out of my mouth: What if there's not an actual purpose we come to this world for? Since everything is a construct, maybe we just need to believe whatever we want to believe to come at peace with our own selves and then the world.

Do we really need a motor to moves us through life joyfully? Is it wrong if I decide not to think much of it and just choose to "float" through life instead?

At the end of the day, everyone sees things differently, hence it's all about how we perceive things along with the power and faith we have upon ourselves, and the way we decide to approach the different situations life puts us trough.

Blog Entry #2

I've got to admit there's something soothing about writing. It's like escaping all the trouble of life for a couple of minutes, then you feel your worries going with each word you write (must be because you're placing your mind somewhere else, honestly).
My dad always told me not to focus solely on the tree but on the whole forest behind it too. Basically, to deal with what's making you worry you have to try to look at it from another perspective, take yourself out of the situation and consider judging it from an objective point of view. There's always a bigger reason behind all of our issues, our job is to find the root of it all. The easier way? The traditional way. But since I, personally, am not all for sharing your problems with the closest people you know, I opt for writing them on paper instead, or just try to list them in my head.

It's important to acknowledge what you're doing wrong, otherwise you are just going to keep doing more wrong and we all know there's only one way everything will go from that point on. We certainly can live most of our lives in denial, yet we'll never really feel truly satisfied until we solve our inner problems and come to peace with ourselves. At this point this just feels like I'm letting out a bunch of random thoughts that don't even make sense anymore.

On that note, who said every entry needed a conclusion?
Anyhow, reflections don't conclude nicely the same day you start thinking about them in real life and this blog is based on real life, which is why I'm leaving this sporadic observations to take place some other night when my brain and my emotions find the time to align once again on this topic.

Blog entry #1

At what point in life does one become a wasted attempt of a blogger? (or wasted attempt of anything, really?)

What has to happen for you to finally put a stop to swallowing all of your feelings, to want to put it all out there? Maybe it's because you can't continue keeping every tiny little detail to yourself, maybe it's eating you alive and you need to let go before you can go on, maybe holding onto them is what it's not letting you be, maybe this is what you need to heal, to fix all of the broken pieces that make you, well, you.

I know what you're thinking. It must be a new low for you; to recur to this as a way of expressing your emotions, just so you can vent to strangers. Strangers online, probably the easiest people to vent to; they listen to (or read) anything you put out there for them. They judge too, but after all one has to go through in life, I guess that can not be the worst part. If I can do life, I can do haters.

I'm just another twenty-year-old teen studying abroad trying to chase someone else's dreams in a whole other continent miles away from home, which gets pretty lonely at times if I must say. English is not my first language but I made the choice to write this in English because I felt like it; plus it seems more inspiring to me. This blog experiment (that's how I'm going to call it) will be useful for when I have to get things off my chest (since suppressing your feelings apparently doesn't make you feel better). However, there's a lot going on inside my head almost all of the time, so, for that moment when I realized it's me the only one who's keeping myself hostage, I figured, why not?

Now, at what point in life does one become a wasted attempt of a blogger? I guess to find out I'd have to try first.