No one can love the same way I know I can love.
I may seem to be though,
But I can’t ever get enough.
A smile, a hug,
Won’t let the innocent in me be fooled by those.
Just leave me alone,
I didn’t come to play, I don’t want to be taken advantage of.
They don’t understand.
For them it’s a game.
They smile, laugh, cough, go and drink one more,
That all there’s left for me to do is pretend,
If not, I will never get to see what’s in the end.
They could see through my lies,
Or not really since they don’t even bother looking me in the eyes.
I hide behind this shield, the shield I made so I could not feel.
Regardless, it is real.
To be failed to is one of my deepest fears.
This poor girl inside, has a heart of gold, she wouldn’t think twice,
Before giving all her love and trust away.
She’s naturally nice, she’d sacrifice anything and everything she has for you to stay.
I don’t want to be your friend,
So you can cause me pain.
I am certainly aware it’s mental, it’s all in my brain.
You can promise me the world,
Buy me the shiniest pearls,
But even if you had told her,
How much we’re both going to suffer,
I couldn’t take it, even if it makes me tougher.
I keep myself secluded,
I locked this side inside of me so I would never be eluded.
I’d hate for them to say forever then proceed to never come back, and unpack every single thing they were holding back.
A stab, right through my heart.
Being apart is something I never saw coming.
Forget me or not.
But please don’t because if you did,
I would quit every single battle I ever fought.
Like it or not.
But please do because if you didn’t,
I don’t know what I would do, just tell me you didn’t mean it.
Sorry, can’t help aiming for perfection.
Rejection is something I never needed.
So is it as bad as it sounds,
Or is it even worse?
Guide me, tell me how life works.
I’m confused, all hope is lost.
Should I take classes to get better at improv?
I don’t want to play, I don’t want to be taken advantage of.
It wasn't, isn't, won't be good enough.
Truth is no one can love me the same way I know I can love.
Sunday, June 16, 2019
Thursday, June 6, 2019
Blog Entry #5
So I noticed it's been a while since I last wrote an entry. I am aware I don't have any followers or anyone who's actually interested and is keeping an eye out for when I post; however if someone ever happens to get across this blog for some reason, I feel like I owe you an explanation for going away and coming back unannounced after a long period of time (but also for this to serve as a warning when it happens the next time).
First things first, I usually feel the urge to write when I am at a low point in my life, which is when we usually submerge ourselves deep into our thoughts in order to reflect on what's going on, analyze the problem and come out with a possible solution (or just move on if you aren't able to come up with a plan for some reason).
Even though those lows happen pretty often to me, only one had the power to get into my head, which led me into wanting to reorganize my life for the millionth time.
At any point I feel like changing the order of things in life with the intent to help my poor soul that is clearly crying out for help (and chooses to remain silent still) I get the impulse to write; which we've established it's one of my main ways of coping with what affects me both, negatively and positively.
But all of this was just beside the point, (plus, accidentally, one hell of an introduction); let's pick up on the main subject, which is that one time I started writing that I came up with some raw thoughts, thoughts that came to an abrupt end because I did it during a one hour train ride on my way back home.
I reevaluated myself, I embarked into this mental trip I've been easily getting lost lately trying to figure out who I am as a person, trying to describe every characteristic I've perceived about myself so far that I can think of.
All my life I’ve wondered about the origin of everything. I’ve been observing and obsessing myself over why things are the way they are and why people act the way they do depending on the situation. I’ve been collecting every detail I’ve had either the pleasure or disgrace to witness, just so I can spare myself the pain of making the same mistakes and avoid learning the hard way; all that in a weak attempt of preventing getting hurt. I don’t recall ever having a moment when I wasn’t making mindful annotations here and there on different things I was or wasn’t supposed to do. While I could even picture some of you slightly relating to this way of living, I can with certainty assure you it is most likely like nothing you’ve ever experienced (or maybe you have, but it’s never as intense as when it becomes part of you, everyday.)
Over time I’ve come to realize this is most definitely more of a curse than a blessing.
A lot of time has passed ever since I noticed something was wrong with me. On one hand, I’d like to think there is no such thing as wrong or right in this world because it’s known we’re are all different since we come from different backgrounds, have different priorities and or own personal opinions on a great diversity of subjects. Yet how am I supposed to categorize the way I feel and act as if I seem to be the only one who’s moving in my direction. This induces me to question the need of putting everything under a category, the obligation we have to associate everything with their respective name, that we constantly find ourselves making this boxes in our minds where we put in everything we come across, solely to feel okay.
In reality there is no actual right or wrong. We live as we can, we go at our own pace through our own unique paths. We figure it out along the way, yet it's still sad that sometimes we feel pressured into doing things we wouldn't ever had chosen for ourselves if we weren't influenced by society and other people's opinions as much as we are today.
We need to give ourselves a break and let us know in those times when it's all too much to process, we feel an incredible amount of weight over our shoulders, we start to lose focus, motivation vanishes little by little, we're stuck on repeat tripping over the same old stone, we look around and, on top of that, we notice how everyone else manages to find a way to balance it all out perfectly, adding more into the mess our minds already are; that even though it may feel like it's a competition sometimes, it's not. Each one of us has their own recipe for life, no one else will know the exact measurements to your bake good; they can help by telling you the main ingredients but the one who's eating it after all is you. Know it's within you to find the flavors and components you wish to add to make it sweeter and softer. You choose the time, effort and dedication you put in, the outcome is completely subjective and relies entirely on how good you want it to be, just don't forget to let it sit for a few minutes when it needs it the most.
First things first, I usually feel the urge to write when I am at a low point in my life, which is when we usually submerge ourselves deep into our thoughts in order to reflect on what's going on, analyze the problem and come out with a possible solution (or just move on if you aren't able to come up with a plan for some reason).
Even though those lows happen pretty often to me, only one had the power to get into my head, which led me into wanting to reorganize my life for the millionth time.
At any point I feel like changing the order of things in life with the intent to help my poor soul that is clearly crying out for help (and chooses to remain silent still) I get the impulse to write; which we've established it's one of my main ways of coping with what affects me both, negatively and positively.
But all of this was just beside the point, (plus, accidentally, one hell of an introduction); let's pick up on the main subject, which is that one time I started writing that I came up with some raw thoughts, thoughts that came to an abrupt end because I did it during a one hour train ride on my way back home.
I reevaluated myself, I embarked into this mental trip I've been easily getting lost lately trying to figure out who I am as a person, trying to describe every characteristic I've perceived about myself so far that I can think of.
All my life I’ve wondered about the origin of everything. I’ve been observing and obsessing myself over why things are the way they are and why people act the way they do depending on the situation. I’ve been collecting every detail I’ve had either the pleasure or disgrace to witness, just so I can spare myself the pain of making the same mistakes and avoid learning the hard way; all that in a weak attempt of preventing getting hurt. I don’t recall ever having a moment when I wasn’t making mindful annotations here and there on different things I was or wasn’t supposed to do. While I could even picture some of you slightly relating to this way of living, I can with certainty assure you it is most likely like nothing you’ve ever experienced (or maybe you have, but it’s never as intense as when it becomes part of you, everyday.)
Over time I’ve come to realize this is most definitely more of a curse than a blessing.
A lot of time has passed ever since I noticed something was wrong with me. On one hand, I’d like to think there is no such thing as wrong or right in this world because it’s known we’re are all different since we come from different backgrounds, have different priorities and or own personal opinions on a great diversity of subjects. Yet how am I supposed to categorize the way I feel and act as if I seem to be the only one who’s moving in my direction. This induces me to question the need of putting everything under a category, the obligation we have to associate everything with their respective name, that we constantly find ourselves making this boxes in our minds where we put in everything we come across, solely to feel okay.
In reality there is no actual right or wrong. We live as we can, we go at our own pace through our own unique paths. We figure it out along the way, yet it's still sad that sometimes we feel pressured into doing things we wouldn't ever had chosen for ourselves if we weren't influenced by society and other people's opinions as much as we are today.
We need to give ourselves a break and let us know in those times when it's all too much to process, we feel an incredible amount of weight over our shoulders, we start to lose focus, motivation vanishes little by little, we're stuck on repeat tripping over the same old stone, we look around and, on top of that, we notice how everyone else manages to find a way to balance it all out perfectly, adding more into the mess our minds already are; that even though it may feel like it's a competition sometimes, it's not. Each one of us has their own recipe for life, no one else will know the exact measurements to your bake good; they can help by telling you the main ingredients but the one who's eating it after all is you. Know it's within you to find the flavors and components you wish to add to make it sweeter and softer. You choose the time, effort and dedication you put in, the outcome is completely subjective and relies entirely on how good you want it to be, just don't forget to let it sit for a few minutes when it needs it the most.
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