As long as she dances, nothing will fall apart

There is a girl dancing in the dark

She dances alone because her partner is far

He is unaware of where they both are

Aware of the distance that keeps them apart,

but not enough to know what it does to the heart

The pace might keep changing, but as strong as she is, she will continue even when it's hard,

Because she believes as long as she dances, it will keep everything from falling apart.

Grief

 I started writing this on a day when I couldn’t get him off my head. This is the only way I know to pour out my emotions when I feel almost suffocated by them. The flashes of memories were too real and I didn’t know how to make the movie of his life before me stop playing every time I would close my eyes to blink. Months had passed since it happened, yet the feelings on this day were strong like it all had been very recent. 

At times it feels like it happened yesterday,

and I’m transported to that night when it all turned gray,

when some part of me was taken away,

millions and trillions of thoughts going through my head,

yet still nothing to say.

Sometimes it seems like I’m doing it all wrong,

like even though being ripped apart, I should still act strong,

like I should just accept our story is done,

that you’re long gone.

Never to be mine again, never to return.

It’s so weird to me how life works.

How I’m supposed to deal with this never ending pain that comes with a loss?

Am I expected to ignore every single time my mind with you comes across?

Other times it feels just as intense,

and I try to use logic for it to make sense.

Because today was supposed to be special,

I require your presence, for such days it’s vital,

in my head the only way to go through, is denial.

You live in my verses, my memories, my dreams,

you run through me like water, an ever-ending stream.

The tossed coin at the bottom has lost its shine, it seems.

Moments we shared, times well spent,

my wish has decayed,

but I am afraid to believe there is indeed an end.

I’ll pray to whoever,

if it bring us back together,

so I don’t have to face that you'll be missing forever.

Otto - my cute little fur ball

My world in your eyes is all I ever saw

Infinite sweetness and innocence

With you by my side nothing ever had to make sense

I felt complete and I gave my all to you like there was no end

Now there’s something in me just dying inside

Life was good before and now it’s me trying to bring back the good in goodbye

Reality hits the hardest when it’s you in my mind in these dark cold nights

When I realize

You’re no longer here to hug so tight

Flashes of memories pop up so randomly

So I don’t forget you stopped existing 

The emptiness within me is reminding me constantly

I shouldn’t forget it’s you I’m missing 

My cute little fur ball

I don’t want to let go of

Forecast of rainfall

Clouds that cannot easily be brushed off

I wish there was a way I could cope with this better

I wish there was a way you could read this letter

Only so you’d know how much to me you mattered

Only so you’d know how part of me your absence shattered

If I could see you once again in this life

I'd enjoy every second, take a deep dive

Cause I don’t ever want to forget what it was like to hold you

If I could have you just one more time

to refresh my memory on what it felt like

Cause I don’t ever want to forget what it was like to love you

Comfort Zone

Here in my cave I feel so secure

Here in these walls I set free my soul

All of this quiet is only for me to fill

Being in private I can finally feel how I feel

Here on my own I am so fragile

Here I don’t shake when I’m standing still

Though every thought in my head comes out, loud and clear

I don’t have to pretend because there’s nothing to fear

Here by myself it seems so nice

Here I can talk without thinking twice

There’s no such thing as filtering my words or  having to be prepared,

Be extra careful in case I say something I shouldn’t have said

Here in my cage I can be so much more

When I come here at night after closing the door

Once it’s just me and I’m left by myself 

I am free, I’m not scared

No worries, no cares

Here in my place I am so relieved

I can do what I want, I can finally live

My place is infinite, you wouldn’t believe

I’ve made it so cozy so I never leave

To my lover that never was (A Letter)

 To my lover that never was,

There were tons of warning signs all over the place,

And I ignored them all, because the truth I could not faze.

We both were offering guidance, it’s our good nature inside.

Trusting blindly on the other, knowing we were both lost in life.

We found comfort in our words, it almost seemed unreal.

Made it hard to not miss you, because of the way you’d make me feel.

I said from the beginning I was a wreck and emotionally unstable.

Thought, I didn’t want to ruin it, so there was no need for labels.

If I could go back in time,

I’d choose to not be alright.

When I’d write and wait for a reply.

Oh, what it meant to me the words you’d type.

If I could just rewind,

I’d go back to those endless nights.

Your company was a delight,

Cause anything you said would make me smile.

We found comfort in our words, it almost seemed perfect,

Until I started wanting more but maybe I wasn’t worth it.

You said from the beginning, you weren’t emotionally available.

I wanted to believe you but I thought maybe change was on the table.

How dare you be this nice,

be there when I’d cry?

How can you not expect me to?

I let myself fall for you, even though it wasn’t right.

It pains me to let you go,

But it’s time I let you know,

This unrequited love is hard to walk out of.

I never told you how I felt,

Not now, not this late. 

As you wouldn’t reciprocate;

I will forever wonder if you could tell.

Yours truly,

To the person I could never hate.